In a world where every child gets a trophy for showing up at
the game, it is very difficult to teach losing. Whenever a team lost color war
in camp, the losing team would always chant “It just doesn’t matter!” over the
winning teams victory cheers. I figured that was the attitude to have when my
husband and I started to play board games with our four year old a few months
ago. At first, we would make sure he understood the rules and won the first
game or two, but then if either of us won, in came the waterworks and the
throwing of pieces and things got a little out of hand. I thought the best
approach was to teach the concept of “it’s just a game, it doesn’t matter who
wins and who loses”. But the truth is, EVERYTHING matters when you are four
years old. (It also backfired a bit when he would not get dressed for school
and would say “it doesn’t matter if I get dressed!” Yes little one, it matters,
you cannot go to school in pajamas!) So we needed to learn how to approach
losing with her son and still teach him to be a true team player.
For those who are curious which games we are playing these days, we have a very nice rotation of UNO, Go Fish, Chutes and Ladders, Candyland, Busytown Eye Found It, Zingo, Connect 4 and Guess Who. Our first challenge was to teach my son he cannot cheat his way across the board (or ask to be dealt three draw fours and a WILD card). You can’t spin the spinner until you get the highest ladder, or the Rainbow Trail and you cannot hide the tiles to prevent others from finishing their Zingo boards. After a few weeks of “I am not playing this game anymore” (which we gladly said we would take a break whenever he needed) he ultimately came around and agreed “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”. For games that are pure chance, like Candyland or Chutes and Ladders, my son learned it really is just the luck of the card or the spin. When it comes to card games, sometimes I have the urge to just let him win but I force myself to not do that too often, because he really does understand that when there are two player games, one person wins and one loses and the same person cannot win every time.
As a person who loves to use books to help my children understand concepts in life, I had a hard time finding a book called “Max Loves Losing”. (To be honest, I didn’t even look for that book.) The books we did use to deal with learning to lose were actually not books about playing games at all, but ones that focused on character’s that have meltdowns. The Pigeon series by Mo Willems and Good Night Owl by Greg Pizzoli really helped my son see how silly it is to “go crazy” over something so primitive. The Pigeon is famous for his epic breakdowns because he can’t do what he wants which was completely relatable to my son and we created an excellent dialogue about how crying and screaming doesn’t get the Pigeon to drive the bus, just like throwing Connect 4 pieces doesn’t help you win the game. Good Night Owl, which has become our #1 bedtime story for the past few weeks is about an Owl who hears a noise and destroys his house trying to find the sound that’s keeping him awake and in the end the Owl is SO CALM despite sleeping without a roof or walls. Owl threw things and made a mess of his house just to learn that what upset him is something he likes, which is similar to the four year old and the board game. In the moment it is sad when you lose, but ultimately you still get enjoyment from playing, a profound idea my son and I were also able to discuss.
No parent likes to see their child upset over anything and I
wish I could be that mom that lets her kids win every time they play but I honestly
feel that would be doing a disservice to my kids. My children will lose when
they play “bigger games” in life. I just hope that as they get older, they will
take losing with stride and not be sore winners either, as we also make my son
shake hands and say “Good Game” whether he wins or loses.
